I've had a million things on my mind to blog about up until two nights ago when I found out that my Grandma has yet another mass in her abdomen and some dark spots on her colon. It seems that this is the only thing I can think about now.
It's been a rough battle against cancer for my Grandma over the past two years. She's had two surgeries to remove tumors already but it appears that this cancer is more aggressive than previously thought. And of course, it's tough on everyone else in the family too because we all love my grandma so much--she is a truly wonderful and caring woman. I look up to her so much and have always loved her like a best friend. It makes me so sad to hear this bad news.
The email came just after my first day at my first temp job with Mission Australia this week which only made it harder to come in to work, push that stuff out of my mind, and show them how professional and attentive I am as an employee. It's been hard to keep a smile on my face, lie and say I'm having a good day, and not cry when there is little work to do.
I haven't been home in two years but going home is all that's been on my mind for several months now and it seems that this news is a sign that maybe the time to go home is fast approaching. I so badly want Jeremy to meet my family and know my grandma because she is truly the most understanding, fair and supportive woman I know. I want him to meet them all and for them to meet him and fall in love with him the way I have. I want to meet my little niece and welcome my brother's son into the world. I want to be there for all the weddings, the birthdays, opening presents on Christmas morning, and drinking apple cider with Thanksgiving dinner. I want to be involved with the lives of my family and friends.
But living on another continent makes everything hard...
Sometimes I worry that my decision to live overseas is a selfish and heartless one. I worry that something bad will happen and there will be no way for me to return quickly. I worry about my parent's because they can't afford health care and yet they are getting older. I often feel a great deal of responsibility to take care of my family and yet I don't--I can't. I can't take care of them and simultaneously live on another continent. It feels like I can't take care of them and live the life I've always wanted.
This week has just had my head spinning with so many things that I'm not really ready to deal with. I'm not ready to say goodbye to anyone but what if the moment comes upon me and I can't be there to say my piece? Can anyone ever really be prepared to lose someone whom you love without limits? I wish I could fly back and forth every week until I was ready. It would be hard work but I would do it if I could. I would do it because love would compel me. But the money just isn't there.
It appears that I may have some more work in the near future though which gives me hope that maybe in a couple months, I will be able to go home and Jeremy can come with to meet the people I love--the people I spent 22 years living with. The temp job at Mission Australia was extended from 2 days to 4, I have an interview on Monday for a manager position with a Santa photography set in a mall and I have another temp job starting on Tuesday next week lasting 3 days a week for 4-6 weeks (oddly enough, it's with Jeremy's company so we'll be able to take breaks together--I love that). And, my supervisor at Mission Australia liked me and has asked me to apply for a position in her department (employee services) which I will also interview for sometime next week.
So, I feel hopeful that things will work out and we will have money to go home and meet my family soon. Until then, I would really appreciate your prayers. Please pray for a miracle for my grandma, for the knowledge and wisdom of her doctors, for my grandma, grandpa, my mom, my aunts and uncles to find support and courage, for me to get some consistent work and savings built up, for us to find good deals on flights and get adequate time off, and for me that I won't succumb to sorrow in this time.
Thanks for your love and support.
1 comment:
"Sometimes I worry that my decision to live overseas is a selfish and heartless one. I worry that something bad will happen and there will be no way for me to return quickly. I worry about my parent's because they can't afford health care and yet they are getting older. I often feel a great deal of responsibility to take care of my family and yet I don't--I can't. I can't take care of them and simultaneously live on another continent. It feels like I can't take care of them and live the life I've always wanted."
When I read this, I thought, "Kortney is IN MY BRAIN"! This is so often how I feel, the emotions you describe, I've processed many times through.
My new motto is "Cancer Sucks". I will certainly be praying for your grandma, and for all the little details about going home, and Jeremy meeting your family, to come together. I know it must be hard not to be there, and be able to try to "fix" things. I know God has you removed for a reason. He is using you in ways he probably couldn't if you were clouded with being present int he situation. God has you in the position to be forced to turn to him in your Dark hours. All you can do on another continent is pray, and perhaps that's what God wants from you. I also know that you have incredible wisdom. I'm often in awe of the comments you leave me, that cut right to what my spirit needs to hear. Family often receives our input better when we are physically removed. I pray God would direct you to use your wisdom and position for his glory in this situation.
I love you Kortney!
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