I have returned from a long and arduous trip to the edge of the blogging world. Sorry for my absence.
In the last few weeks I've had a couple doctors appointments. There was some initial fear that I may have had hypertension but my blood pressure has evened out. It's likely that all of it was triggered by stress back in January when that old "friend" of mine decided it was so "responsible" and "Christian" of him to attack my faith and relationship. That triggered high blood pressure which unfortunately was detected by a really irresponsible doctor who wanted to put me on blood thinners without first doing a blood check! Scary stuff! I'm only 25 and sticking me on those meds could have made me dependent for the rest of my life. Thankfully, I had the good sense to seek another opinion and things have since evened out nicely. I've also had some blood tests done which have shown I have perfect vitamin and mineral blood counts, lower cholesterol than the average adult, and normal blood sugar even without fasting! So basically, I'm in great health! Just can't conquer the stress.
So, I've been learning about stress and trying to get a good handle on it. I sat down recently and made a list of stress factors that affect me on a weekly basis and was really surprised that my list quickly reached 15 items including being far from my family (and pressured to spend thousands of dollars to come see them--of course without help or reciprocation), unresolved visa status, dissatisfaction with my job, judgment from friends over my relationship and faith, family pressuring me to return home, and having no friends here in Sydney (and a dwindling number at home). Those are just the ones I think about daily. Can you see why I'm overwhelmed and stressed to the max?
The worst part is that I haven't had many people to talk about it with. We tried talking to Jeremy's parents about it this last weekend but his dad could only say I should be more positive. I feel so let down by people who think "positive thoughts" are the answer. I think I ran out of positive energy somewhere back around January. The most positive thing I do everyday is get out of bed and go back to work rather than stay there and sleep. I swear that simple act consumes whatever small remnants of positive energy I have left.
There are some people who have made a very direct impact on my life by saying and doing rather unkind things and I fear I'm becoming increasingly bitter everyday. So much so that I found myself seriously thinking about not going home today and instead saving all of our flight money for us and something we want to do. I found myself saying to Jeremy over lunch, "I don't want to reward my family for guilting me and not making an effort to be a part of my life." I can't decide if my feelings are valid or not.
The truth is that save one distant aunt who called me twice two years ago, I have not had a single phone call from anyone in my family over the last three years. No one has visited. A couple people have written and sent packages. Two of my best friends--the girls I thought I would forever grow old with--won't return my emails. People in my family who have university degrees still say they can't figure out how to install Skype and call me for free. The truth of all of this: no one wants to put in the effort and knowing that makes me feel really, really sad. And really, really alone. And really, really taken advantage of because while they can't even spare $5 to call me just once, it's completely acceptable to ask me to spend thousands to come see them.
I know people at home have kids and many don't make much money but is that really any excuse? I don't even have reliable work! I may not have any work at all next week and my visa situation doesn't give me many options to look for more...
I'm not asking for all of my family to come see me but I am asking that people stop treating me as an after thought. I'm tired of my dad calling my Stacy (my sister's name) when we talk on the phone. I also hate it that he sometimes calls me number three even though I'm the second child (it's because he values me least of us all). I'm tired of friend's being so thoughtless that they can't see past their own radical faith to see the sincerity of mine right in front of their eyes. I'm tired of being pressured to pursue unfulfilling careers instead of happiness and my dreams. I'm tired of getting passive aggressive emails from my mom that say crap like, "I FEEL SO GUILTY THAT WE ARE HAVING SO MUCH FUN WITHOUT YOU... I'll forgive you though" (seriously, she wrote that in all caps). I'm tired of people promising to visit me and never delivering because a. it was no longer convenient, b. I moved to a "less interesting" country, or c. they just don't have the time. Does it matter that these same people ask me to come see them when all three points hold true for me?
I don't want to be an afterthought, I just want to be me. I want to be Kortney, the human, the girl with feelings, the girl with aspirations, the girl with limited money and only a temporary job. I want to be loved and cared for just because people love and care for me, not because of obligation and not because of guilt--because I want to love people with that kind of freedom too. I want an apology now and then. I want someone to say, "Hey, it's okay if you can't come home this year. We understand and want you to be happy and healthy." I want to be valued because the way some of my family and friends have been treating me makes me feel anything but valued.
I don't know the answers to all of these questions and I have no idea how to solve these problems. But I do know that the stress I'm experiencing from family and friends has been the strongest and most debilitating of all the items on my list and that I can't be "positive" without first facing each of my stressors head on.
