Open Letters

Dear Mr. Obama:
Please win the primaries tomorrow. If you don't, I will have to stay in Korea another 4 years and start pretending to be Canadian...
Sincerely,
Doomsday Voter

Dear English teacher-who-doesn't-speak-English:
Next week we will find out if we are still co-teachers. You can always decline to teach with me... I really get tired of watching you sleep along side my students. My lessons really aren't that bad and if you stayed awake, maybe you could one day have a conversation with me, or say something other than, "I'm fine, thanks, and you?" Also, if you want to read in my class, that's fine, but your reading options are limited. You are not allowed to read my lesson plan (which I gave you a week earlier) for the first time while I'm teaching it; similar to students, you're expected to come to class prepared. You are not allowed to read the newspaper; read it during your plan period. You are not allowed to read the homework from your other classes; you are paid to teach with me, and if you can't do that, at least participate. You are, however, allowed to read the work of our students during class, and if you feel led, please help them too. I encourage you to follow these rules should we be stuck together again--but only if all protests against teaching with me fail. I encourage you to get out of it anyway you can.
Regretfully,
Native English Teacher

Dear Hot Aussie:
Because I suspect you will be continuing your "research" here, I will give you a head start. When I'm nervous, I do one of two things: I either stop talking period or I contract a rare form of verbal diarreah that dissolves the filter system between my brain and my lips. As my comfort level increases, so will my ability to make jokes that are actually funny and "dish it back." I feel most secure when I'm in a man's arms. I feel worst when I have relationships with unresolved conflict (that's everything from co-workers to friends). I find self-control to be the most respected and hardest virtue to master--thus the numerous shoe, purse, book, and earing impulse purchases. My biggest faults: I wear my heart on my sleeve, I trust people too easily, and I'm so goal-driven that I rarely know when to give up and cut my losses. My best qualities: I'm really generous, I'm great at encouraging people, and I'm a pretty good decision maker. Pet peeves: correcting somone's improper English while they are speaking and people who walk away or stop listening in the middle of a conversation. Things that make me cringe: inequality (especially patronizing comments), religious intolerance, and those who can't apologize or admit their mistakes. Little known fact about me: when I was in 6th grade I was dared to give myself a hickey on my arm... It's still there... And it looks like a smiley face. Remind me to show you. Things that make me smile: holding hands, children, and inside jokes. Soon to be favorite day: May 5th. :) Hope these facts shed some light and made you smile.
Your's Truly,
Facebook Girl

Dear Woman on TV:
You are wearing way too much make up. You look like Elvira. Someone should have told you this before you went on air.
I'm Sorry,
Horrified Viewer

Dear Best Friend-who-hasn't-written-me-a-single-letter-since-I-left:
I'm a little upset about that. Please don't use "I hate computers" as your excuse. Actually, don't leave it to Katie and Olga to give me your "I hate computers" excuse--I'd be grateful for even that if you would just tell me yourself even though I know it would be a lie (I know you go on MySpace everyday). I miss you. You could at least reply to the comments I leave you.
Missing you terribly,
Kort Dawg

Dear Man-who-drives-by-my-house-every-morning-blasting-advertisements:
Find a new job.
Sincerely,
Hoping-for-sleep-at 4:30 am.

Dear Jack Frost:
I would like to file a complaint about your recent visit to South Korea... May I suggest you relocate to the polar ice caps? I hear they've missed you and are slowly melting... Korea doesn't really need you anyway.
Sincerely,
Warm Blooded Mammal

Dear Lamp Lady,
Thank you for dropping the price of the lamp by 5k Won. However, I'm still a little upset that it cost 75 k Won. Darn. Why did it have to be so beautiful? At any rate, it looks marvelous in my place. It's exactly what I was looking for.
Your Happy Customer,
Lamp Girl

Dear Taxi Driver,
I'm so glad that you always know where I live and that I never have to give you block-by-block instructions. And I always laugh when you try to speak Korean to me even though I tell you repeatedly that I don't speak Hangul--but I love that you try.
Your Favorite Taxi-Ride Patron,
Mi-Guk

Dear Owner of my School(s):
I am really mad at you for not valuing the teachers at Munchang. Even if the students have low test scores, those teachers care SO MUCH MORE about their students than any of the teachers at the girl's school and those boys need teachers who care. I would rather my kids graduate with a sense of self-worth and a desire to learn than the highest test score. I think your idea to fire five teachers is ridiculous and will hurt those teachers when they look for new jobs--and don't you think it's a little late to be firing teachers? How will they ever find new jobs before school starts March 3rd? I pray that someone finds your soul and returns it to you.
Not-so Sincerely,
Defender of Caring Teachers

Dear Principal of Munchang:
You should have protested the firings and suggested perhaps a new approach to teaching or curriculum. I am really disappointed that you've decided to fire three of the female teachers; that's 50% of the female population at Munchang. Now who will protect me from Crazy Cow and his inccessant come-ons?
Disappointed,
Your Disgruntled Foreign Teacher