It's 3 am here and I'm up and wide awake.
A lot happened this week which I don't care to go too much into detail about but to say the least, I made a mistake accepting the job at Mission Australia. It really wasn't the right job for me. I was fully aware of what the job entailed when I accepted but I knew after just one day in it that it really wasn't going to be a good fit. By the end of the week, I found myself crying in the bathroom and full of anxiety about being there and that was a good sign to me that no, this feeling wasn't really going to just go away and no, I shouldn't stay in a job where I have to steal away during my lunch break to cry in the bathroom. And when I was just about to leave for work Friday morning and couldn't stop crying because I felt so much unease about the job, I knew I would have to quit.
So I did. Thankfully, my temp agency has been understanding and my supervisor at Mission was understanding as well. I was really quite upset and worried that by quitting I would be destroying my working relationship with the temp agency as well as Mission's working relationship with the temp agency, but it appears that everyone came out of it unscathed and the temp agency still wants to place me in jobs--which I am grateful for. I'm quitting this job with nothing else lined up but in complete faith that there really is a better job for me out there.
Accepting the job had a lot to do with the building pressure to work full time, pay back Jeremy's parents, buy plane tickets to go home so I can see my grandma, and start contributing to our home expenses. It probably seems ludicrous to most people that I would quit a full time job when I have these things weighing on my mind and my bank account, but to me, the more immediate and important problem to solve was that I couldn't be happy in that role. In the end, no amount of financial independence can compensate for misery. In the end, the right thing to do was spare Mission their time and money so that they could put someone in my role that really wanted to be there, bring my humble apology to the temp agency without expectation of any further employment through them, and to honor myself as an individual with feelings, passions, dreams, and skills, worthy of a job that I enjoy doing.
God, that was a lot to take in for one week. Lots of crying has been done over this; my eyes hurt. But I feel better and I feel better even as I type this. But I must say, I feel really embarrassed about the whole situation and I fear that I've let people down, and that fear makes me feel guilty. I am lucky to have the most wonderful support from Jeremy who maybe doesn't understand entirely why the job wasn't right for me but does understand that I can't stay in any position that affects me so. If you don't agree with my decision, I can understand why but please just don't say anything about it to me. I am embarrassed enough as it is and I don't think I can take the criticism right now. But if you too have ever made a mistake, tried to do the right thing and lived to tell the tale, please pass on a friendly word of encouragement. I need to get some sleep and may need to keep working at Mission until Thursday next week--all words of encouragement will be helpful.
My parting thoughts: at the end of the day, I have to do what's best for me. I ran the risk of creating one ugly SNAFU by quitting (thankfully, I didn't--) but even so, I know that life goes on after each mistake. I have messed things up royally before and lived to tell the tale--I'll live to tell this one too. And that's how it is.
4 comments:
Silly girl. I don't know of anyone who would disparage someone for quitting a job that constantly made them cry! What kind of an employee would you be if you decided to stick with it? Certainly not a God-glorifying one!
I fell compelled to say that I'm having a difficult time with work opportunities right now too. If only I were willing to work in a hospital again I could get a job right away. But I did the whole hospital thing and I don't want to do it again. But outside of a hospital it is very difficult to find a part-time RN job. It has been 8 months and still no luck. I guess God has us learning some of the same lessons at the same time!
You got that job, and there's another waiting in the wings. I spent years doing the same old thing and wanting to quit, but didn't. I do have regrets.
I think you did the right thing Kortney - a job is a job, and never as important as your happiness. Good luck with finding something that suits you better. (And no more crying!)
Say hi to Jeremy from us.
Kylie xx
Oh, you guys are the best. Thanks for loving me even if I'm a silly cry-baby! (You know it's true!)
Everything went so much better than I had hoped for and I'm so glad that I left. It really was the right thing to do. Thanks again!
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