Jessie Skerjance-Gordon

I returned home yesterday from Thailand, called my mom last night, and found out that my great-grandma, Jessie Skerjance-Gordon, passed away while I was gone on February 18th. She was 91 years old.

I'm not really sure what to say about all of it. Honestly, I'm not sad--well, at least not in the traditional sense. I really didn't know my great-grandma very well. She was hardly polite to my mother, myself and my siblings until about two years ago. She was never interested in knowing me until then and at that point it seemed as though building a relationship was a little too late. I was consumed with my senior year of college and I left for Korea shortly there after.

If I'm sad about anything, it's that she was never really present in my life. While my cousins (her favorites) enjoyed getting to know her and spending their summers at her home in Tri Cities, my brother and I observed at arm's length the grandmother we could always claim but never know.

She was a remarkable woman of incredible strength, determination, intellect, self-awareness, and curiosity of the world, but also a woman of prejudice that often ostracized those who would have loved her the most. It's this last trait that I grew up acquainted with. Because of her abrasive nature, I hardly knew her (or wanted to know her), and when the opportunity came to finally change that, I was too busy to devote the time and had little motivation or desire to dedicate my energy. Now I kind of wish I could change that.

There's something special about my mother's line that will always fascinate me. Now, I recognize that I am significantly different from all of them (just ask any one of my closest friends), but spend one hour with us and you'll know that measure for measure, we are very much the same. Every woman has the same eye color. Every woman has a unique appreciation and artistic talent. Every woman is courageous beyond parallel. Evey woman has at some point taken the burden of raising a family on her own. The women in my family have a long legacy of strength across numerous struggles from escaping abuse to rising above a lack of education. We are not meek; we are not timid; we are defenders of human dignity and self worth--modern day victims and heroines of woman's struggle for equality.

My grandma Jessie is undoubtedly the one who led us all into battle.

I may not have always been present in my life (whether I wanted her to or not) but I am honored to know that in her final months, for the first time, she wanted me to be present in hers. My mom told me my great-grandma always asked about me and always bragged about me to her family, friends and care-givers--about her great-granddaughter, the traveler and teacher. My mom has apparently been printing off my blog and taking it to her in three-ring notebooks for months now, and even in her last days, she was reading the January chronicles. This piece of news has left me with a vast mixture of feelings. I'm certainly humbled, surprised and even a little honored that this woman who had no affection for me in 21 years of my life suddenly found interest and wanted to know me more. I only wish that I could have returned that same interest in person. The most I was able to do was send a couple postcards and call her when I heard she had a month left to live--a phone call I was so nervous to make but eternally grateful for making.

Like I said, I'm not really sad because I don't miss someone I never really knew, but her passing has made me think more about all the friends and family whom I wish I knew better and saw more, but until then, this blog will have to suffice. You know I'll keep writing you--don't forget to write me too.

I know it's a little cheesy and trite to say this on such an occasion, but truly, thinking of my great-grandma has greatly reaffirmed the importance of one thing: carpe diem. Seize the day. Life's too short to hold people at arm's length.