Let me begin by saying how much I hate computers. I typed up this blog earlier and was almost finished too when my computer over heated and shut off on me. Grrr.
This has been one overwhelming week. Wow, where do I begin? It's funny to sit at this vantage point and look back over the past 5 months and see how God has masterfully orchestrated my life up to this adventure.
My biggest fear in all of this was not the going but rather the leaving. What would I do without Katie for a year? Will Max (my nephew) forget me? What if my friends get pregnant and I can't celebrate with them? There's a lot of "what if's" in this whole business of leaving, but God has shown me just a glimpse of how He's dealing with those big "what if's." Most of it made sense last night when I had my big going away party. As I sat there listening to all of my best friends talk about what's going on in their lives (marriage, dating, new jobs), I realized I just don't serve the same purpose anymore. Where as at one point all 10 of us have needed each other for serious support, today each of us, in our own way, has now grown into healthy, happy individual who no longer relies on other people for fulfillment. It was truly a coming of age moment/realization. I don't need them and they don't need me. God has released me from those commitments (and not in a bad way at all) so that I can go into the world and renew those relationships with new people who do need it.
But you know, that's not all that God has been showing me. Through my karate lessons (I know, you can laugh) I've gained loads of confidence that I never had before. Of course I am wise enough to never get into compromising situations anyway, but I finally feel capable and willing to fight back should I ever find myself in a position where I would need to. However, one of the best parts of karate is the great friends I've made there. We all joke about the Northwest bubble and for years I've warned people about the reverse culture shock we will certainly experience once released, but wow, I never thought it would happen to me. The people I've met at karate are so incredibly nice but completely opposite (to the extreme) of any NU student's I know. I hope that I can continue those friendships while in SK and maybe one day be able to share my heart with them too. This summer has undoubtedly taught me an immesureable lesson about loving the tax collectors, the adulturers, and the pharisees whom Jesus frequently befriended. I know that His teachings this summer will undoubtedly follow me to SK where my real ministry begins.
As for work, I can't even begin to explain how influential it has been on my life. I know that I joke a lot about working for the circus, but honestly, this was the opportunity of a life time. Most of you know how structured and planned out I am (sticky notes everywhere). Well, this summer God taught me how to through my plans to the wind and just follow His lead. There was no perfect schedule at camp. Often times the place was in utter chaos. There were times when I was so close to the edge, I almost combusted--really. But in the midst of all that insanity, I learned so many lessons about letting go of my need for control and how to walk in faith. Believe me, some days required more faith than others. The kids were sometimes uncontrolable with potential for violence, and God taught me knew lessons in that area too. I've learned how to work with difficult people, how to avoid conflict, little tricks to recognize what makes people tick, and even how to see people beyond their disability. What an aweful word: disability. Most of those kids are labled with some sort of impairment yet I saw them do so much! They understand. They can talk. They can laugh and have fun. Through this job, God showed me His reflection in each of their faces--something I didn't expect to see. I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.
God is just continually re-writing my story.
I come from a home of incredible drug and alcohol abuse where I was often silently told how invaluable I was, yet God has given me the most wonderful friends to show me how precious I truly am. Everyday, someone tells me how much they love and appreciate me. I feel like God is replacing every family inflicted wound with a hug from a friend, and on those days when the pain is really bad, I can always count on someone to stop by with a card, some flowers, and a big bag of Dove chocolate (thanks Olgie!).
In high school, when I reached out for help from my family, my aunt and uncle accepted me (but only as charity), bad mouthed me, treated me like dirt, spread rumors, and eventually kicked me out when I came into to all of my money, and yet God has given me the most generous, kind, sincere people to take me in and give me a place to stay this summer. Polly and Bill have blessed me more than they could ever know. God showed me through them how loveable I really am, that I'm not a bad person but really a good person whose been taken advantage of.
In my junior year my best friend and roommate betrayed my friendship and trust so bad that it still makes me cry when I think about it. She told me I was impossible to live with (among other things) and made my life hell. Following our split, I went to Vietnam where I swear I met her evil-er twin sister, someone I'm sure would have killed me had she obtained the chance to. Though neither of them had any reason to despise me, together their message was destruction. And once again, God rewrote my story. This past year was amazing. I had the most wonderful roommates who spoke so much life to me. I've truly made some amazing new friends, and God showed me that I'm not impossible to live with. I am actually quite easy to live with!
The stories go on--this is just a sample of his work this summer and past year. After doing some serious thinking this past week about the job God's called me to, I can't deny that He's been preparing me to go. Last summer he revealed some pretty amazing stuff to me about how I fit in His grand plan, and I know this is just the beginning. Just this morning Sarah had a vision at church of God pulling me to my feet, teaching me to dance in His joy and freedom. Though I stumbled at first, He showed me how to let go. This journey to South Korea is only the first step in an amazing dance He's specially choreographed for me.
So last night when I said good bye for the last time to so many of my friends, I cried not for the impending loss of time spent with them, but for the joy they've brought to my life over the last four years. I cried because I know that whatever God has planned on the road ahead, the adventure will be great, and even though my traveling companions may be few, I can leave with confidence that their prayers follow me wherever I go.
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