Americans and Australians

I met an older Australian woman the other day who married an American and agreed with me that living in Australia is hard. I mean, really hard. She pretty much summed it up perfectly for me when she said, "Australians are inter-personally aggressive people." It was so great to hear someone else say the things I've been thinking for so long.

She's lived in the US before and said that during those years, she felt like she had made the richest friendships because Americans make friends quickly, easily and with pretty much everyone. I never really noticed that about us until I came here but it's true.

In Australia, you have to "know" someone to break into a group and meet people. The girls here make friends in high school, keep those friendships for life and seldomly allow new people past the acquaintances barrier. They can really be so cliquey.

But it's not just that, they are just pretty much unfriendly to most strangers. Like the time I was attacked in the grocery store or harassed by the pool lady at Sydney Uni when I tried to sign up for a gym membership. Or how about the time we were ditched at a board game or the unfriendly house guests we had over who kept insulting Jeremy? Or maybe the group of photographers that just trash talked my gear and then never followed through with a meet-up?

It's been so discouraging sometimes trying to make friends here. We've been here a year now and the only people we've ever clicked with (as a couple or as individuals) was a German exchange student named Laura (she left in November) and now Jeremy's old friend from high school, Owen and his girlfriend Rachel (moved here last month).Unfortunately, they probably won't be here for long. Owen and Rachel moved here to be a part of a DNA mapping start-up business but Owen doesn't think it's going to survive more than 6 months so they didn't even sign a year lease.

We're happy for Owen and Rachel though--they are really nice and funny people. They aren't drunks, they have educations and make conversation accordingly, they laugh a lot, they are very gracious hosts (and guests), they love to travel (we actually met up with them in Thailand while we were backpacking in 2009), and they are just funny people. I laugh so hard when we hang out.

I just miss having a group of friends.I miss being smiled at on the street. This week, I tried really hard to smile at as many passing strangers on the street as I could to gauge people's friendliness. Sadly, only about 10% of them smiled back. I just miss friendly people who live by the philosophy that a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet.

Last night we went out to Bondi Beach for dinner with Owen and Rachel and took a bus back to their place later in the evening. At one point on the way back, a large group of American backpackers got on the bus and sat/stood all around us. I swear, it was the most American's I've ever seen in one place outside of America. They were a little drunk and a little loud (almost too loud) but not much louder than a lot of Australians I see on the bus (I'm a firm believer that this loud-American thing is a big myth--I think Australians are the loudest usually). But what struck me as different was the fact that these American strangers were actually interested in talking to us. Australians would never do that.

This one guy started up a conversation with Jeremy about his coat (a rather Matrix-like long black woolen thing), complimenting him and being friendly, telling us he was from LA.If he hadn't been forced to the back of the bus because it was getting full, we probably would have talked with him for a while. He was just so open to making friends and meeting people. We barely spoke for more than 2 minutes but in that time we both felt more "click" with him than anyone else we've met here.

I don't think it's just us. I really do think it's a cultural thing. Americans are very open and inviting people who love to socialize but Australians consistently come across to me as very closed, uninterested people. It's so much harder--noticeably harder--to make friends with them. That doesn't mean there aren't wonderful, super friendly Australians out there! I know lots of you have great Aussie friends; I mean, hey, I'm going to marry one, right? I've made great Aussie friends too overseas but here, it's a whole different ball game. (I should mention that Jeremy's friends in Brisbane are incredible and I really enjoy them but sadly we just live too far away for me to really build those relationships.)

It's intimidating and complicated by the fact that Australians generally don't have many nice things to say about Americans. I'm often asked why all Americans are crazy because our healthcare system sucks, or blasted for the poor economic policies that lead to the GFC, or told how terrible Bush was for starting two wars and that we must all be stupid for not getting rid of him (this is a commonly encountered knowledge gap problem about the difference between a parliamentary government and a republic), or think we just like killing people because of our gun laws and use of capital punnishment. And they think we are a bunch of crazy religious nutters who are ridiculously conservative and intolerant.

Some of that may be true but not all of it. Most of it is poor impressions they've gained through the media and a complex cultural identity crisis from living on an island for too long. Australians have a serious problem with island mentality. They are afraid of people immigrating and it's often believed and mentioned in the news that Indonesia could invade and take the country because they have more numbers (forgetting that Indonesia is so underdeveloped by comparison that this is a ridiculous notion). Many are afraid of outsiders and the loss of an Australian identity to the point where nationalistic pride has become a bit fanatic at time. I could go on for a while but the point I'm trying to make is that living on the island has made them islanders (mentally). So many are afraid of the outside, all things from the outside (there is a HUGE Australian-made movement here), and all people from the outside that they've set up barriers to keep people out on a personal and national field. The same analysis can easily be applied to other island countries like Britain and Ireland, and even South Korea because being cut off from the North has essentially made it an island.

I hope this doesn't come off as being too hard on Australia. I could say a lot about the US not being the perfect place either (I often do), but being friendly and inviting isn't really one of Australia's hallmarks. As an American who's travel extensively, who has started afresh several times in her life with no friends and no family, I feel that I can honestly say no place has ever felt as lonely as Australia.