Feelings... Whoa, feelings...

Watch this first. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.



Can I just admit here that I'm completely freaked about what to do and where to go next?

I submitted my application to University of Queensland yesterday (that's a university in Brisbane, Australia) for a masters in journalism program, and while part of me says, "Yay!!" a part of me also questions, "Are you doing this because it's the right time or because it's convenient and safe?" I'm not sure what the correct answer is. I feel like getting a masters is a significant step towards growing up and adult-hood but I'm not so sure that I want to go that far yet... I kind of like being a recent college graduate. Will getting my masters also mean getting serious about a career?

I still plan on moving to Australia even if I'm not accepted to UQ (but for my sanity, please pray that I am accepted--if not because I want to go here, I need it so I have choices). However, knowing I'm moving there no matter what and that I don't have to go back to school doesn't exactly make me feel any better--I'm still moving into The Great Unknown. I have no idea what's waiting for me on the other side of the ocean.

I'm afraid that I won't make friends. I'm afraid I won't find a job. I'm afraid I won't find a place to live or decent roommates to live with. I'm afraid that I'll run out of money. I'm afraid of being alone, missing my family and friends. I'm afraid of failing in my very first completely independent move. I'm afraid that I'll need some help and have no one to call. I don't know anyone there. There will be no one to tell me if I'm doing something wrong. There will be no one to help me set up a life. If I have immigration questions, no one will be there to show me where to go or what to do. If I need something, there will be no one to tell me where to find it.

It's just me.

Up until this point, every major move I've had to make has involved someone else. There has always been someone there to help me or comfort me and say, "You'll be just fine." But this time, there's no one waiting on the other side. I had these same fears of not-knowing when I moved to Seattle for school but there were advisers and resident life staff to help me adjust. I had these same fears of not-knowing when I went to China and Vietnam but there were my service counselors, team leader(s) and team mates to help me understand the culture and the task at hand. I had these same fears of not-knowing when I applied to Peace Corps but I had advisers and placement officers to answer all my questions because they had done it before themselves. I had these same fears of not-knowing when I moved to Korea but there was my school to take care of me and a contract that assured me that a place was prepared for me before I even arrived.

But this time, there's no one. It's just me. There's no one to take care of me. No one to guide me. It's the ultimate test of my Independence. I feel just like Indiana Jones. I'm taking a big leap of faith. He says, "Only a leap from the lions head will he prove his worth." I feel like this is one big test to prove my worth as an independent woman capable of fully taking care of herself. I may fail miserably and be miserable because of it... But I may also have the best, most rewarding experience of my life.

I keep telling myself that I will survive, that I won't fall to my death. I will make friends (I always do). I will find a job (I have many marketable skills). I will be able to handle all of those unforeseen problems without any help (I am a resourceful woman). Yes, it is scary moving to another country without a job set up, an apartment arranged and no friends to help me adjust, but I guess it's worth the risk.

Jones had faith when he took the leap and knew he would succeed because he wanted to more than anything else. I want to too. I do have faith. I will succeed. I believe in myself and my capabilities and know that this is not where life ends--this is just another beginning, another leap of faith. Hope it's a graceful landing.